Ruined My Life

As we were leaving the Tom Petty concert last night, Shannon could have sworn that Matthew McConaughey was behind us.  While we saw fifty year old women vomitting into their backpacks and people stumbling into the woods to pee, we heard Matthew share these pearls of wisdom.

• “Your mom and them done saw Hootie?  They ain’t seen half the show we just seen.”
• “That’s the difference between a star and a superstar.”
• “Hey, they got beer here too.”

Tom Petty was great on his 2008 Make More Money Tour but the crowd was something else.  Humanity’s finest crawled out from under their trailers to drink beer (mostly Busch) in a parking lot and then give strangers high fives.  WOOO!!!!

So Curt Schilling announced he would undergo season-ending shoulder surgery that could also possibly end his career. While they’re in there, could one of the surgeons also wire shut his jaw too?

that I root for the most contrarian team in sports right now. Let’s Go Rangers!

A recent article on RedSoxRUs.com (aka ESPN) shows yet another reason to hate these idiots. Apparently they don’t’ want the individuals to care. If we’re winning, who cares if you have a bad at bat? Apparently Youkilis does and Manny Ramirez took a swing at him because he got upset.

It all happened because Manny complained about Youkilis’ habit of throwing bats, helmets and other objects in the dugout when he has a bad at-bat, something that has become a constant practice,” the source said.

“Other players have told Youkilis in the past about the situation, which makes him look selfish and that he is more worried about each at-bat than about the team. If Boston is winning easily, there’s no reason to throw objects all over the dugout because of a bad at-bat.

“There was a meeting where the team let Youkilis know that many of his teammates were tired of his explosive reactions for each bad plate appearance. It became very bothersome … more so when the team is winning and it’s in first place. There’s not much room for individualistic attitudes.”

Are you kidding me? A guy cares enough to take each at bat seriously and push himself and you get pissed at him? A guy has some fire and you criticize him for it?  What a classless team.

Dear Kyle-

I could start this by saying you suck, but that would not adequately illustrate the depths of my feelings toward you.  The Yankees signed you to bridge the gap from the starters to Rivera in a way that Tom Gordon did in the games that didn’t count.  They signed you despite your meltdown in Atlanta.  At first I thought you were merely overrated.  A pitcher with great stuff that really couldn’t place pitches to get anyone out.  Now I know I was wrong.

Sir you are a waste of space in our bullpen.  At this point I’d rather the Yankees signed 73 year old John Franco to set up Rivera.  I watched you last night come into a tie game and my heart sank.  Sure, Pettite didn’t have the best stuff, but he did leave you with a 5-5 tie against the Twins.  All you needed to do was hold the tie.  Instead, you give up three (3) hits and a walk in one inning, blow the lead in the bottom of the eighth and hand the Twins the game.  Bravo sir, bravo.

To make matters worse, you’re the answer.  Joe Girardi and the coaching staff have decided to show some confidence in you.  They must see something I don’t because I see plenty of garbage runs in close games.  Runs that make a one run gap a three run hole.  Runs that don’t allow the Yankees to play small ball but get the hitters thinking they need to hit homeruns.  And now Joba is being put in the starting rotation.  I know the kid is great, but he’s not going to pitch complete games every outing.  He’s going to hand the ball off to you meaning you’ll have a change to blow more and more shots to win close ball games.

I have a simple request sir:  demand a trade.  The New York fans don’t like you as a pitcher, you should let the pressure build and demand a trade.  Take LaTroy Hawkins with you.  We need some pitchers with heart, not overpaid veterans that don’t show up everynight. 

Signed,

The Ghost of John Wetteland

p.s. Please tell Joe Girardi that we need Joba back to shore up the bullpen and someday take over for Mo Rivera.

I just got the best prank call ever.  It was possibly the most childish thing ever and I’m sitting here on the couch giggling at it still.  Here is a transcript [with my commentary included]:

Ring [Private Caller]
Me:  Hello?
Caller:  [An 8 year old with what I realize now was the worst ever put on southern accent, on top of his normal sourthenr accent] Can I speak to Vern?
Me:  I think you have the wrong number.
Caller:  I don’t think so!!  [At this point I should have realized that it was a kid fucking with me, but at the same time I was wondering if it was some half-retarded kid who was trying, for the first time in his life, to call one of his friends or relatives without his mother operating the phone and then holding it to his ear].
Me:  Well who are you trying to reach?
Caller:  [Silence that comes with thinking] Um, Michelle or Patrick or someone named like that.  That’s their last name.  [Now you'd think I'd realize that this little fat kid in the stained shirt (which is how I'm imagining him at this point) is yanking my chain because he doesn't realize who he's fucking calling, but no I'm trying to help him out, which is evident based on my next question]
Me:  Well what number are you calling?
Caller:  7-3-2-5-9-1-6-um-7? 
Me:  [Still not catching on] Well none of those people are here and you’ve got the wrong number there. 
Caller:  You sound gay… click.

The second I heard that I realized that two or more eight year old boys were in their grandmother’s house and laughing until they peed their pants.  I half thought about calling them back via *69, but then realized why scare them?  I thought it was a stroke of genius, and who am I to deny boys from turning into adult smart-asses.  I’m sure that in a different universe we would have called each other… friend.  Kind of like Dennis Quaid and Louis Gossett Jr. in that movie Enemy Mine. 

Bravo snot-nose, bravo

I’m very upset to see that is supporting laws arounf the world that damage freedom of expression. Google should, as an American country, not support laws that foreign countries pass such as those that restrict political or religious speech. It’s always democracies that try to do it too, France, India, etc. Freedom of Expression means NO LAW. Who really cares if Sonia Gandhi is insulted? Political leaders have to be above having their feelings hurt if they’re called names or cursed at.

What’s the next step, preventing the media from questioning political leaders’ policies or motives?  Google, you’re making me question my iGoogle page that I’ve recently created.